1. I am still hurt, by all the criticism I had to take from their father - that somehow I couldn't move on - mind you, that isn't even their fault (well I guess, most of the time, when we're reacting out of a past hurt - the one who gets the reaction very seldom has caused it) still, it grieved my heart, that I would treat them that way because of something someone else did to me - or should I say, because I perceived it that way??? That lead to another emotion, that was part of what is going on with me and my kids - Shame that I treat them that way - even though I love them so much..... - so I had to ask Jesus, to forgive me, for treating them like I often do....and to help me to forgive my ex-husband for his criticism, as well as to help me, to forgive myself.... - stay put, we're not done yet:
2. God showed me, that the whole thing went even deeper yet: Maybe you remember, that I am still praying for the love of my life to return to me....... - well, God clearly showed me, that I harboured huge unresolved pain due to the rejection I suffered back when I lost everything (I am talking about the man, I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with all these many winters ago), even his friendship - and big huge self condemnation, because I didn't stick to my own resolution: only to marry, if I found a love like that again (mind you though, at the time i thought I was doomed, that I could never find another love this deep). Also the fact that I didn't follow God's instruction, to only marry a christian man, that also had a true relationship with Christ. -
I felt, that I deserved my ex-husband's criticism, cause I had walked out from underneath Christ's protection. I actually saw the issues with my son as a punishment from God - unknown to me until today. Wow, this is BIG!!! Today I know, that God would not punish me like this - that He loves me despite my wrong decisions of the past - when I walked along the creek, I could almost feel His loving arms holding me, and telling me, that He knew my heart, and that He had compassion for my loss back then and He still has compassion for me today - and He forgives me, for not trusting Him, to bring another love this deep into my life, that I rushed into marriage - because I was pregnant with my first child. That in itself bears yet another pain: my ex-husband wanted me to abort this child.....but that was never an option for me, yet I felt utterly on my own in my joy of expecting a baby, after the first shock had worn off. But God helped me today to forgive all that (myself and my ex-husband) - He knows us in the deepest places of our hearts and wraps us up in His loving embrace of Love and Grace - having actively waited for us, to finally respond to His invitation to receive His Forgiveness and Grace, which sets us free indeed.
He forgives us ALWAYS, for He knows, that we know not what we do. Praise Him!!!
I cried for some time on the way home, only to afterwards feel so relieved inside, that finally I knew what was going on, and why I reacted the way I reacted. Now, as I lifted this pain and sorrow to my Heavenly Father, and asked Him, to heal my heart, I know, that it will still take time, until the wounds are healed - but at least I know they're well taken care of by the Only One that can heal such deep wounds. I also know, that raising children is not an easy task, there will always be challenges, but with these big things cleared out of the way, I am sure, the love of Christ can start flowing to my children more freely now.
Praising Him for His great compassion and His great AGAPE Love!!!
In Christ forever more
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