.......still my life is marked by emotional ups and downs.......No Clue, why - well, i do, but I don't understand.....and I don't like it one bit: yet here is, what happened:
I spoke with my brother yesterday, and somehow, he still manages me loosing my balance (if only for a short little while, until my God assures me, that all is well with my soul, and that He is right there with me)........but it bothers me, that my brother can unsettle me that way. The reason, that threw me off kilter yesterday, is his self righteousness, with which he thinks he has the right, to judge my parents, and he is the one, who has been hurt - he has been hurt, no doubt about that. But he also has hurt others. And my parents have been hurt - and yes, they did hurt him - but they didn't do it with an agenda, what he accuses them of. My parent's generation carries a burden, that we - the generation afterwards will not ever understand......... - who has the right to throw the first stone??? Only the one, that has not sinned.........that's for sure not him or any other human being for that matter..
His attitude got me thinking: what do we even know about growing up during and after World War II in Germany, with all that entailed........yet that was my parents' childhood - all the fears and tears - hard to imagine. My Dad's dad died from a work accident, when my Dad was only 15 years old.....that must have ripped his whole world apart. In one of the workshops I did during the summer, I had the privilege to witness a family constellation for a woman, that had lost her mother when she was 15. The entire sadness had made her loose part of herself - and made her feel guilty that she was alive, and she wouldn't allow herself to be happy. My Dad, who is an absolute Alpha Male, has covered his hurting soul with work and money.......the way he defines himself today - sad sad sad indeed, but it served him well, to survive. And until he faces Judgement Day, there is still hope. Today, that he is old (or should I say ageing) he is miserable in his skin.........but who has the right, to judge??? No one has!!!
I know, my brother has had his share of hurts in his life, and I am not trying to diminish that. Yet I am saying: neither gets to judge the other. And I can see both their hurts......both as a matter of fact have hurt me during my childhood and youth - yet through the Grace of God, I could forgive them, and today I can see more clearly - I am not idealising either one, but I love them from the bottom of my heart...........despite or because of their deficiencies.
Due to my own studies of Psychology and all the workshops and Therapies I have done in my past (always looking for answers and to find my purpose in life), I have learnt, that we all carry burdens, that made us into the ones, we are today. Sometimes, what we have become is a very bitter and sad person......yet we're still alive, and while we're living, God can still turn our Story into His Story - if we only let him.........the stuff life dealt us, may have killed another person. So we cannot judge another, until we walked a mile in his or her shoes. And the Bible says: Judge not, lest you will be judged........
I am absolutely allergic to either of them talking in very bad ways about the other - I will not accept that anymore. And I told them both, that I am no longer willing to listen to any of that baby talk (but he has done this to me - so now I have the right to take this from him) Silly - it's two grown up men and a grown up woman talking like that - this is ok at Kindergarten level, but not at 50+.
So my prayer today is, that my parents and my brother would end this blaming game and FINALLY grow up - turn to Jesus and leave their heavy burden at the Cross........and be forgiven - and then to move on, to forgive others, and receive a new life in Christ.
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